Hi America

Will Bush preempt American Idol tonight?

Hey ya’ll, I know yer fixin’ ta watch ya some Clay Atkins…but first I’d like to say a few words.

It would be so worth it if we could hear from Randy, Paula, and Simon afterwards.

Dawg you my boy ya know that, but I wasn’t feelin’ that tonight. You were ptichy when you started talking about victory in Iraq. And it’s nuclear..like new clear…not noo que lurr


Seeing Ken Lay go in to court makes me long for a good Jack Ruby moment.


Even though Exxon’s profit set a US corporate record, we are reminded that it wasn’t really that much money.

(the following unfunny joke is on a 3rd grade level, you’ve been warned)
Kraft is laying off 5000 workers. No word yet as to whether the cuts will be in their meat packing facilities, or if they will only be cutting the cheese.

I give up

to whom it may concern, happy holidays

Did you receive a press release holiday letter this year? You know the ones, they read like a year end recap of family events, and they are not written specifically to any one person or family. It’s all very broad, and all encompassing.


Little Timmy’s gone to medical school in Mexico city, wow time flies huh…..Of course it hasn’t all been good news, Tom’s been out of work for going on three months now, but he makes the most wonderful marmalade, and tries to keep busy. We lost Gracie in August, but that old dog’s time had come, can’t believe she made it 17!!!!! She will sure be missed.

Have you received this letter? Do you send this letter? My family always gets them from people we don’t really know very well. My mother would often read it out loud (cause otherwise we would never read it) and we would all look at each other and say who? with each name. My mom would stop periodically and say ‘ oh yeah you remember Cary, she’s Skip’s oldest…. And we would Wonder who Skip is.

I think with email, the press release holiday letter is a dying breed. You remember the holiday press release..sure you do..Cary, Skip’s oldest, would always send them to us.

half baked ideas, loose facts, and my satellite radio

And now you know why Oprah doesn’t endorse my blogage.

I love my Sirius radio, and yes I like the Stern show. You can say what you want, but it is often funny, and it’s interesting to hear a show that’s truly free to say whatever they want. The show can be profane, and at times pornographic, and if that’s not your brand of vodka, I understand. In the spirit of Lenny Bruce, and the late great Bill Hicks I embrace the pornographic and the profane, because braver men than me have given their lives for such freedom. If Stern starts on something I don’t approve of, or don’t enjoy, I simply turn to another channel.

Richard Ashcroft comes out growling on the first track of his new cd, it’s so very Neil Diamond. In fact listening to both releases you would at times wonder which is which. I mean this as praise, it sounds good…seriously.


Are you getting much out of your pinky toe? I’m thinking we may be evolving away from that one. Intelligent designed obsolescence if you prefer.

I’m as shocked as anyone when I swish.


Whenever I hear Filibuster, I think it’s a sandwich a DQ. This is a thought I imagine W shares. Yes George, and if you’re good, a butterscotch dilly bar for desert.

Exxon announces record profits, even higher than Wall street predicted. Don’t be surprised when W mentions ‘alternatives’ in his speech this week. Even a good ol’ oil man can’t hold on to this dinosaur anymore. And Georgie’s handlers are too savvy to let this pass.

There is debate about whether our involvement in Iraq is making new terrorists. I say how can there be any doubt? You mean to tell me that every Iraqi involved in the placement and detonation of IEDs would be doing such things anyway? Bush himself said 30K Iraq civilians have been killed, and the loss of loved ones might be a strong motivation don’t ya think? That and tanks rolling down your street. And is it really democracy we want? When the Palestinians freely elected the wrong party, we didn’t seem to like it. What if Iraq elects to keep tribal justice etc. What if they freely choose these things? We need to be okay with that right? I think the popular assumption that people, given a choice will choose as we have chosen is wrong. Shit! I sound like a Neil Peart lyric. Lately with all of you ready to give up the very freedoms we’ve fought for, just for the promise of safety from terror, I wonder if we would even make the same choices if faced with them again. Would we have the balls to stand up to the Brits, commit treason, and risk our lives to form a new country? No effin’ way, we’d have magnetic union jack ribbons and call anyone who didn’t an unpatriotic liberal.

I hate it when news agencies refer to it as the terrorist network, it sounds like a channel. Coming up after the break, more footage of us training on monkey bars in the desert.
And later, we look at the South Beach diet.

Lastly no meal replacement protein bar tastes good, okay let’s get that straight right away, there are simply varying degrees of badness.

distance

“I don’t see how you can be a partner in peace if you advocate the destruction of a country as part of your platform”- Bush 1-26-06

That’s hilarious!!! Whatever Chief, it worked for you.

This week Bush was asked if he’d seen Brokeback Mountain, and before he answered there was this long and awkward pause.

What do you suppose he was thinking about? How his base is the American Taliban, and is largely homophobic, and to talk about a ‘gay’ film would look bad. It’s funny you didn’t have to be a boxer to go see Cinderella man (masochist maybe, but I digress) so why is Brokeback a ‘gay’ film.

you don't have to have a warrant baby, to listen to my my my my my calls

There just aren’t enough fucking magnetic ribbons are there?

Since Google is a bunch of commies and won’t sell us out to the man, I will step up and prove I’m the best American ever. I will offer my daily Google searches without a warrant, since we now see those as so unpatriotic.

Trust us, we only break the law to go after bad people. If you haven’t done anything wrong you have nothing to worry about…..right?

1-24 Google searches

Kiss album covers
Scarlett Johansson
Boobies
Scarlett Johansson’s boobies
Water skiing squirrel porn
Original Iron man comics
The 9 rings of the WU
Pharmaceutical grade penis balm
Magnetic ribbons
Denver Broncos choke job
Denver Broncos Cheerleaders
Who moved my cheese for dummies
The 79 virgins you meet in heaven

stay fly

Somewhere in a conference room not too long ago, some dorks with no sense of humor dreamed up the awful Pepsi machine ad campaign. These are people who are not creative, and don’t have the ability to self edit out all the dumb ideas.

“it’s genius! We can follow the arc of the Pepsi machine, through the trials and tribulations of the NFL season, and we can do lame bits all the way to the Super Bowl!!!
“I like it I love it I want some more of it!
‘That is a home run alright….now let’s go play golf some more haw haw’

These people are artless, and possibly soulless fucks who should be shot.


Besides the effin machine plays for the patsies, and they are out….so it’s over Johnny.


In other news..Beating up homeless? C’mon already….is it not enough that they are homeless? This really saddens me. As does the tragic passing of the great Wilson Pickett.

Listen to a wicked Wilson Pickett record and you’ll understand.


Karl Rove says Dems are thinking ‘pre 9-11’ And that we should be okay with warrantless wiretaps, and google strip searches. Here’s the trouble Karl, you cats are thinking pre-1776 with the way you wanna erm roll back our rights. Marketing your tactics with cleaver names like ‘the patriot act’ (vote against it, and you are unpatriotic?) doesn’t change the reality that you are doing more to destroy what this country was founded on, than Osama could ever hope to. Damn right we’re not un-patroitic Karl, and don’t forget it. We choose not to over simplify it all into evil doers talk. How about internment camps Karl? Would that help? Cause you know em when ya see em, doncha?

Ryan Seacrest-Now there’s a talent.

Boinking with the stars

Did the Greg Kihn band stop because they ran out of Kihn rhymes? It’s a pity they never got to Kihntankerous.

I’m so happy the Spin Doctors went away. James Henderson said they sounded like Huey Lewis, which made me giggle.


In the 80’s bands could always plug in a series of whoas to replace lyrics. If you were unable to match the lyrical genius of Sunglasses at night, you could always reach for the whoa card. Whoa wah whoa ao aoh ohhhh in the words of Howard Jones, or Whooooo oh! Living on a prayer.

Worst James Bond assassination attempt is in “Live and let Die’ when Roger Moore is stalked by a disinterested looking snake, that ‘hides’ behind the curtain and then slowly moves towards him. Oh the terror, of the bored snake attack.


Hey kids! Write your own CSI type cop show! Feel free to insert the following smart ass phrases for the cocky detectives to use at crime scenes.

Person over doses “life of the party’
Missing limbs “where’s the beef”

“what would you do for a Klondike bar”
“feets don’t fail me now”

The possibilities are endless, and these cocky crime shows are all hits. So make money and have fun.


I bought some ready to eat pudding that requires no refrigeration, and doesn’t expire for 13 months. Does that sound healthy? Can it really be that far removed from plastic in it’s makeup? A slight change in the chemical makeup, and a dash of yellow # 5, and you gotcha a big wheel.

I thought the FDA eased the prescription drug advertising restrictions so we wouldn’t have to hear all the unpleasant sounding side effects listed off. Apparently not, because I can’t get through a show without talk of diarrhea, muscle pain, and erectile dysfunction.

Eating club or Warrantless and the wire taps

These Alito hearings are mind numbingly dull. Makes me wanna smash stuff up, and start a revolution. Let’s rage against the personality-less. Does it always come down to Roe V Wade…it does doesn’t it.


Least interesting trend in the NFL this year? The surprise pooch punt. Effective? Often, strategically sound? Perhaps…but interesting? Meh

Second least interesting trend? Firing coaches.


At my gym they have all the so-called news networks on, and it’s amazing how much play all the big fear stories are getting. Natalie Hollaway, the cruise ship murder, and Laci Peterson are all getting lots of play. In each of these cases someone is always speaking out, calling for justice, or telling their story…finally. These shows make you paranoid, but they shouldn’t. If after all these months we are still talking Laci, then maybe the world isn’t so dangerous after all. I find it all terribly depressing, and fail to see how it’s really news.

I noticed a lot of the little girl recording…erm artists have real rockin’ looking videos with a backing band aging against the machine real hard. The look says rock, but the sound says junior high. I blame Avril Levine, since she came along all the children singers have to try and look credible. They look rawk!!! But they sound junior high.

That tool Aaron Carter has a song that is such a rip off of Nelly’s ‘Ride with me’ that it’s embarrassing to hear.

play, again

Drink Coke

Play again


This is what the cap said…hmmm play again……there is no accidental implication here is there? Soft drinks sell youth, they sell dreams, or an ideal. And this cap is meant to stay on message. It could say ‘sorry this is not a winner’ or ‘sorry YOU are not a winner’ but that would deviate from the message. Nope, the Don’t worry be happy rhythm of this cap is intentional all the way. Yearn for your lost childhood, when you would play for hours without a care in the world? Drink Coke…play again…live again


We live in an age when nothing is left to chance, the mustard gun at McDonalds fires a set amount, the salad bowl at Olive garden has a certain number of olives depending on the number in your party and on down the line.

So the sorry you lose message has now become the promise of a dream.


On Monday I saw a dog get struck by a car. This was traumatic, and I will not detail it here. But it got me thinking, we owe the domesticated animal as much love and respect as we can muster. The domesticated animal can rightly say to us…’you got me into this!

These critters have no natural habitat, and therefore must rely on us to try and do right by them. It’s not their fault that they are doomed to a life of sexless carpeted suburbia…oh wait I’ve met that same sorry fate, but mine was not forced upon me, and I may still escape.

Once as a child I saw a dog struck, and in a way I was at fault. The dog had run towards me, and when I bent down to try and pet it, it spooked and ran into the street under a car. My mom witnessed this, and a few days later told me that she had ‘talked to the owner and the dog was ok’ even in the second grade I knew this was a lie. I figured my mom went to extremes to assure me it wasn’t my fault, so maybe it wasn’t and I let it go.

I hate it when cashiers comment on what I’m buying. New Year’s eve I’m in Target buying standard issue guys stuff, razor blades etc. Aveeno (okay not all guy stuff but still) And the cashier says ‘you’re really gonna party tonight huh?) Okay it was early (8ish) and it’s not like I was buying a dungeons and dragons game module here. Could after shave not lead to romantic closeness like on the commercial? Why am I a loser for buying needed toiletries? I should’ve replied with something mean like ‘not as much fun as you’re gonna have…working at Target on effing new year’s mother fucking eve!!!!!

My point is this, don’t assume I’m a loser….let me show you in time.


Be nice to animals


Play again